How did I Never Notice the Garden 

My life flashes before my eyes with you

 

 

I am who I always wanted to be

 

But never thought I could become

 

 

 

I dream of our home together––

                       

A warehouse type with an office in nature

 

 

 

 

Back when I still wanted to be an art journalist-   

When I was still a capitalist       

 

 even if I thought I wasn’t

 

 

 

 

I’m still a capitalist in the summer of 2020  

 

reading Angela Davis and redistributing to mutual aid

 

because the air conditioning in my parent’s house where we are quarantined is nice

 

 

 

-----

 

 

Commitment

 

Parts of me I am not proud of unravel

 

I whisper to you while we’re falling to sleep:

 

 

‘am I a good person’

 

 

 

 

 

I know better than to ask these things                           

I know better because I don’t want to be driven by a desire to be good

 

 

 

None of us do

None of us do that that ask if we are good people

 

 

 

 

I worry that I have become too self-obsessed

 

I overcompensate and make my words clunky

 

 

 

I am embarrassed because I believe you’ve sensed this

and I wish I could bring you back to seeing me how you did when we first met

 

 

 

 I wish I could loathe myself without having it enter the space we exist in together

 

 

 

 

Having someone close to me,

having you close to me, 

   is uncomfortable

 

 

 

I’m learning how to take breaks

 

 

And I’m learning about comfort

 

 

 

 

Before I retire to watching tv for the night,                      

 

instead of having random things            

                                               

charger                        

 

backpack

bra t-shirt

 

pills

 

pencil case       

 

 

notebook on the bed,


I take them off and I put on pajamas that are soft and feel good on my skin.

 

 

 

 

I learned about mood lighting

 

and the lamp that has been on my

bedside table for years that I always thought

just took up space and occupied one of the plug slots.

 

I am tired and I want to stop working and I want to be ok with that

 

 

We drink a beer and sit outside in the garden that I never noticed until this summer

 

 

And we have another and it’s delicious

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