My life flashes before my eyes with you

 

 

I am who I always wanted to be

 

But never thought I could become

 

 

 

I dream of our home together––

                       

A warehouse type with an office in nature

 

 

 

 

Back when I still wanted to be an art journalist-   

When I was still a capitalist       

 

 even if I thought I wasn’t

 

 

 

 

I’m still a capitalist in the summer of 2020  

 

reading Angela Davis and redistributing to mutual aid

 

because the air conditioning in my parent’s house where we are quarantined is nice

 

 

 

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Commitment

 

Parts of me I am not proud of unravel

 

I whisper to you while we’re falling to sleep:

 

 

‘am I a good person’

 

 

 

 

 

I know better than to ask these things                           

I know better because I don’t want to be driven by a desire to be good

 

 

 

None of us do

None of us do that that ask if we are good people

 

 

 

 

I worry that I have become too self-obsessed

 

I overcompensate and make my words clunky

 

 

 

I am embarrassed because I believe you’ve sensed this

and I wish I could bring you back to seeing me how you did when we first met

 

 

 

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 I wish I could loathe myself without having it enter the space we exist in together

 

 

 

 

Having someone close to me,

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having you close to me, 

   is uncomfortable

 

 

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I’m learning how to take breaks

 

 

And I’m learning about comfort

 

 

 

 

Before I retire to watching tv for the night,                      

 

instead of having random things            

                                               

charger                        

 

backpack

bra t-shirt

 

pills

 

pencil case       

 

 

notebook on the bed,

I take them off and I put on pajamas that are soft and feel good on my skin.

 

 

 

 

I learned about mood lighting

 

and the lamp that has been on my

bedside table for years that I always thought

just took up space and occupied one of the plug slots.

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I am tired and I want to stop working and I want to be ok with that

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We drink a beer and sit outside in the garden that I never noticed until this summer

 

 

And we have another and it’s delicious