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How did I Never Notice the Garden
My life flashes before my eyes with you
I am who I always wanted to be
But never thought I could become
I dream of our home together––
A warehouse type with an office in nature
Back when I still wanted to be an art journalist-
When I was still a capitalist
even if I thought I wasn’t
I’m still a capitalist in the summer of 2020
reading Angela Davis and redistributing to mutual aid
because the air conditioning in my parent’s house where we are quarantined is nice
-----
Commitment
Parts of me I am not proud of unravel
I whisper to you while we’re falling to sleep:
‘am I a good person’
I know better than to ask these things
I know better because I don’t want to be driven by a desire to be good
None of us do
None of us do that that ask if we are good people
I worry that I have become too self-obsessed
I overcompensate and make my words clunky
I am embarrassed because I believe you’ve sensed this
and I wish I could bring you back to seeing me how you did when we first met
I wish I could loathe myself without having it enter the space we exist in together
Having someone close to me,
having you close to me,
is uncomfortable
I’m learning how to take breaks
And I’m learning about comfort
Before I retire to watching tv for the night,
instead of having random things
charger
backpack
bra t-shirt
pills
pencil case
notebook on the bed,
I take them off and I put on pajamas that are soft and feel good on my skin.
I learned about mood lighting
and the lamp that has been on my
bedside table for years that I always thought
just took up space and occupied one of the plug slots.
I am tired and I want to stop working and I want to be ok with that
We drink a beer and sit outside in the garden that I never noticed until this summer
And we have another and it’s delicious


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